I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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