Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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