I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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