I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize