When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
