Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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