i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
