just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
