I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
COCAINE IS GR8
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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