Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
