you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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