All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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