Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
