i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
