I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just had sex on a roof
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
