Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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