I want to make a zoo with you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
