Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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