i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
