and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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