I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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