I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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