New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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