I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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