i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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