If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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