he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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