the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
