I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize