Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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