I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
