Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
