I think i peed on brittanys purse
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
