24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
