I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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