Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Vodka?
Forever.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
