My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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