I just threw up on my dentist
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
