you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
