I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
