A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
