So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The Olympian is in my bed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
