I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
