You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
