1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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