Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
