I got chris browned last night
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
