mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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