You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
