She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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