i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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