Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
