Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Damn victory sex feels great
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
