Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize