I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
