She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
