Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
