Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
