turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
