my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
