My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
